For anyone that read the title of this blog and continued by singing..."in low places, where the..." You know the rest.. you got a cool sticker in my book. If you don't know the rest, please go educate yourself in a little Garth Brooks.
Where was I? Oh yes, I have friends...If I said this out loud, instead of on a blog I'm sure the smarty pants in the group would gasp in surprise and say, "REALLY?" Yes, yes I do. What does this have to do with our Korean adoption? The friends I've made on this journey so far are just amazing. It's been unreal. I've made connections from all over the country. Some of these friends will be people that we only connect with over the internet. Some will be friends that I will "talk" with on Facebook messenger more than one should admit. You all know who you are. I've spent hours upon hours "talking" with these women about our babies. I've spent hours learning from these women. I've learned more about our adoption from these wonderful people than I could have ever learned from a book or even an adoption agency. Real life experiences, Yo! We've compared timelines, we've talked about out children, we've discussed ideas of what to send in care packages for our little ones and what to take as gifts for our foster parents. Like I said, some of these people I will never meet in person, but we will forever be bonded by our children. Some of these people I hope to meet in Korea, as we share the same timeline...fingers crossed. I've even met local parents that have adopted from Korea, whom I hope to meet up with often after we bring our little guy home. The thought of him having little Korean friends that share something on such a deep level makes me so happy. Buddies that share his physical features. He will grow up in an area that doesn't have a lot of diversity so I want him to be able to have racial mirrors in his life.
Now here's a good story for you all. Some may call it a great coincident, some may call it a "God-cident" <---yes I made that word up. I think I'll go with the latter of the two. As I said earlier, I have connected with many people, luckily a few of them local. One mom specifically, who has been through the Korean adoption process twice just happens to live about an hour and a half from us. She lives right in between us and my parents house. How convenient, right? She has spent lots of time teaching me about the ins and outs of this program. I mean, this girl has the scoop. I consider myself to be pretty blessed to have her as my Korean Adoption Mentor. <--- made that up too. Now here's where things get really interesting. I attended this Christian Women's conference called IF: Gathering (I HIGHLY recommend it, but that's a whole different topic.) A friend of mine from college that sells Noonday jewelry (also AMAZING), was on stage giving her spill on how great the company is and she mentioned my story of adopting from Korea and how Noonday is helping to support us. Right after that I get a message from my "Korean Adoption Mentor" friend that says, "Are you at IF?" My heart seriously almost stopped. I had two thoughts in my head: A.) I've been messaging a stalker and she followed me here to find me. B.) Holy Cow! How can this even be possible? [GOD-CIDENT] --- Totally kidding about thought A. We were able to have lunch and talk about life and of course adoption.
Now, let's step up the craziness another step. When we received the paperwork for our little boy, we were given the name of his foster mother. In one of my Facebook groups there is a file with all of the foster mothers that are with SWS...there are tons of these names on the list. It's recommended that we update the file by putting our name beside the foster mother's name, so future families can connect and ask questions. It's a great resource. As I scroll down the long list of Korean women, low and behold, guess who's name is beside our foster mother's name...none other than my "Korean Adoption Mentor" friend. You know the one I mentioned earlier, the one that lives near us. The one that I consider a Korean adoption genius. Yup, that's the one. Her son had lived with our precious foster mother just a few years ago. She sent me a picture of her sweet son with his foster mother to confirm our coincident. In the picture was her gentle, smiling face holding not our little boy but another, with the same precious, loving embrace.
Now, think what you want, but that kind of thing doesn't just happen. Pretty amazing if you ask me!
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Adoption [EXPLAINED] Part 2
Once again, I have decided to have another post that I borrow from the fabulous, Foote in Seoul blog.
The following was written by the author of Foote in Seoul. I didn't write the following but I feel very strongly about the following topics. Many of these things were ideas and topics that I didn't know anything about before we began this adoption process. I've included several inserts with my opinions and thoughts in regards to our adoption.
[I have also blanked out the name of her child for their privacy.]
"Language Choices
Not to sound like the P.C. Principal, but using specific language is important in conveying respect during a very traumatic and difficult situation... During the adoption process I’ve done a lot of reading and research in regards to the adoption triad (adoptive family/biological family/adoptee) to hear the preferences of biological families or adoptees. (These are choices that we’ve made for our family, feel free to disagree or use whatever language you’d like for yours.)
Birth mother – You may have noticed I haven’t written that in regards to *****’s biological mother. I’ve read that many adoptees and families find the term offensive, as it gives the impression that his mother was more of a surrogate or a vessel, without the complicated feelings that come with relinquishing a child. I don’t think we’ve settled on what we will call *****’s mother. I’ve heard Korean Mother, Biological Mother, First Mother, Natural Mother as options. I think we’re leaning towards Korean Mother as it shows the lifelong connection he has to not only his mother, but also his race and culture. ******’s lucky to have three mothers in his life: his Korean Mother, his Foster Mother, and Me. We are choosing to be positive about additional women (and men) in his life, and I don’t feel like calling her his mother is at all demeaning to my role. Until the adoption is finalized, we are calling him his mother or biological mother if clarification is needed.
Giving up for adoption – Again, we don’t use that, we use the term relinquish instead. It’s the proper legal term and “giving up” seems to marginalize the mother’s decision, especially since many relinquish in light of very serious social and economic factors.
Korean name vs. American name – A lot of people have asked me if we’ve been calling ****** his American name to his face, and the answer to that is no. His Korean name is ________and we have been calling him __________, and probably will continue to do so for several months after we return to ____________. He is going to go through a very substantial transition (language, food, environment, sounds, sights) that we don’t want to strip away the only name he’s known during that time. We are keeping his Korean name as his middle name, since it was the name that was chosen by his mother and we want to maintain that tie to her. It’s also a really beautiful name, it means wisdom & hero, both two very strong traits that we would love ******* to have. When the timing is right, we will eventually transition into calling him ******. If he feels like he’d rather go by _______ in the future, we welcome that as well.
[Insert from me: We too will be calling our little guy by his Korean name for the first little bit. We have decided that it will be his middle name. We hope that it is always cherished by him.]
Cocooning & Attachment
During our home study process, we had to take several classes on attachment in adoption. Attachment is the trust and bond between a parent and child, and it takes a while for a parent to attach to a child as it does for a child to attach to a parent. Since we’re adults and we have been given photos and information of ****** for the past 8 months, we have a head start. He has been given photos of us and has heard our voice while we have been waiting, but it’s obviously a lot more confusing to him.
After the adoption takes place, the family should cocoon, or cut off visitors, in order to start the attachment process. He needs to trust us as his caregivers and learn to love us. Since ***** has attached to his Foster Mother very strongly, he will be grieving for her. But the good news is since he has attached to her, it’s very likely he will also eventually attach to us.
Part of the attachment process is not introducing other figures as caregivers and eliminating parent-shopping. For this reason, families will not encourage other family members to hold or feed their child during this process. Other parents may also view this style of parenting as spoiling the child, as it focuses on meeting their needs head-on and encouraging as much interaction as possible. Here is an article about attachment parenting. For example, some things we won’t be doing is putting him timeout by himself or publicly shaming him.
[Insert from me: We too will be doing a few weeks of strict cocooning. It's so important for him to become attached to us and to know that we are his forever mum and pops. We plan to keep things pretty low key for the first bit and gradually introduce new people.]
Sharing his backstory
As part of the referral, we are given certain information about *****' s parents and his relinquishment. As you can imagine, this information is incredibly personal to him and we will be open about those facts to him when he is ready (and if he wants it). It’s been said that adoptive parents should only share their part of the story, and we have been trying to do that. Some people ask us why he was relinquished, and I try to keep it incredibly vague as to protect his history. There is also the additional point that we haven’t been given the entire story as well and it’s possible that the story we were given is misleading or incomplete. I hope someday his mother can tell him that information herself. Try to think of a scenario where you would relinquish a child (or be relinquished by a parent) and think about whether you would like that story shared among strangers.
Race & Identity Issues
I’m reminded of this because I shared an article in regards to it on Facebook the other day. I’m also currently reading The Dance of Identities about racial self-identity in Korean adoptees.
Back in the day, the leading thought was to assimilate Korean adoptees into white families without acknowledging their race, or being colorblind. This is no longer the case, as it was found to be damaging to a lot of adoptees who struggled with accepting their racial identity. This is a delicate and complicated issue. Many Korean adoptees feel American and have no issue with being a Korean-American raised by white parents. Other Korean adoptees feel the struggle to feel “Korean” without having any authentic Korean ties to the culture or language.
As a family who chose to adopt from the Korean program, we cannot be blind to the fact that our son is Korean-American. Our family is now partly Korean. My husband and I are not Korean. But we embrace the culture and the language as a means to help ***** bond with his race and culture. I am taking Korean lessons, because I have read that language is the largest barrier for adoptees hoping to return to Korea. We plan on advocating for culture camp and classes, language instruction, Korean celebrations, and Korean tv/music/film/sports. It’s important for him to see Korean figures as role models, whether they are doctors, models, athletes, etc. They are called “racial mirrors” and it helps form a positive racial identity. As a very white person, these are issues that I was completely blind to until we started this process (I mean, the history books in school were just filled with white people as role models. But do you recall learning about any prominent, positive Asian people as a young person?). Luckily, we adoptive parents have benefited from the stories of other adoptees of color who were raised by white parents to learn how to make the experience healthier for ****** and his identity.
This is not to say that this will eliminate the issue. But our goal is to be mindful of it and be proactive where we can. If he wants to return to Korea, either to do a family search or for other reasons, we want him equipped to do so.
Essentially, being an adoptive family means that our family needs to change to be inclusive of our Korean-American son, and not vice versa.
Here’s some more resources for those who want to read more:
8 Things Adoptive Parents Should Never, Ever Do
The Significance of Racial Identity
6 Easy Ways to Create Attachment
The Cocooning Stage
The Language of Adoption"
The following was written by the author of Foote in Seoul. I didn't write the following but I feel very strongly about the following topics. Many of these things were ideas and topics that I didn't know anything about before we began this adoption process. I've included several inserts with my opinions and thoughts in regards to our adoption.
[I have also blanked out the name of her child for their privacy.]
"Language Choices
Not to sound like the P.C. Principal, but using specific language is important in conveying respect during a very traumatic and difficult situation... During the adoption process I’ve done a lot of reading and research in regards to the adoption triad (adoptive family/biological family/adoptee) to hear the preferences of biological families or adoptees. (These are choices that we’ve made for our family, feel free to disagree or use whatever language you’d like for yours.)
Birth mother – You may have noticed I haven’t written that in regards to *****’s biological mother. I’ve read that many adoptees and families find the term offensive, as it gives the impression that his mother was more of a surrogate or a vessel, without the complicated feelings that come with relinquishing a child. I don’t think we’ve settled on what we will call *****’s mother. I’ve heard Korean Mother, Biological Mother, First Mother, Natural Mother as options. I think we’re leaning towards Korean Mother as it shows the lifelong connection he has to not only his mother, but also his race and culture. ******’s lucky to have three mothers in his life: his Korean Mother, his Foster Mother, and Me. We are choosing to be positive about additional women (and men) in his life, and I don’t feel like calling her his mother is at all demeaning to my role. Until the adoption is finalized, we are calling him his mother or biological mother if clarification is needed.
Giving up for adoption – Again, we don’t use that, we use the term relinquish instead. It’s the proper legal term and “giving up” seems to marginalize the mother’s decision, especially since many relinquish in light of very serious social and economic factors.
Korean name vs. American name – A lot of people have asked me if we’ve been calling ****** his American name to his face, and the answer to that is no. His Korean name is ________and we have been calling him __________, and probably will continue to do so for several months after we return to ____________. He is going to go through a very substantial transition (language, food, environment, sounds, sights) that we don’t want to strip away the only name he’s known during that time. We are keeping his Korean name as his middle name, since it was the name that was chosen by his mother and we want to maintain that tie to her. It’s also a really beautiful name, it means wisdom & hero, both two very strong traits that we would love ******* to have. When the timing is right, we will eventually transition into calling him ******. If he feels like he’d rather go by _______ in the future, we welcome that as well.
[Insert from me: We too will be calling our little guy by his Korean name for the first little bit. We have decided that it will be his middle name. We hope that it is always cherished by him.]
Cocooning & Attachment
During our home study process, we had to take several classes on attachment in adoption. Attachment is the trust and bond between a parent and child, and it takes a while for a parent to attach to a child as it does for a child to attach to a parent. Since we’re adults and we have been given photos and information of ****** for the past 8 months, we have a head start. He has been given photos of us and has heard our voice while we have been waiting, but it’s obviously a lot more confusing to him.
After the adoption takes place, the family should cocoon, or cut off visitors, in order to start the attachment process. He needs to trust us as his caregivers and learn to love us. Since ***** has attached to his Foster Mother very strongly, he will be grieving for her. But the good news is since he has attached to her, it’s very likely he will also eventually attach to us.
Part of the attachment process is not introducing other figures as caregivers and eliminating parent-shopping. For this reason, families will not encourage other family members to hold or feed their child during this process. Other parents may also view this style of parenting as spoiling the child, as it focuses on meeting their needs head-on and encouraging as much interaction as possible. Here is an article about attachment parenting. For example, some things we won’t be doing is putting him timeout by himself or publicly shaming him.
[Insert from me: We too will be doing a few weeks of strict cocooning. It's so important for him to become attached to us and to know that we are his forever mum and pops. We plan to keep things pretty low key for the first bit and gradually introduce new people.]
Sharing his backstory
As part of the referral, we are given certain information about *****' s parents and his relinquishment. As you can imagine, this information is incredibly personal to him and we will be open about those facts to him when he is ready (and if he wants it). It’s been said that adoptive parents should only share their part of the story, and we have been trying to do that. Some people ask us why he was relinquished, and I try to keep it incredibly vague as to protect his history. There is also the additional point that we haven’t been given the entire story as well and it’s possible that the story we were given is misleading or incomplete. I hope someday his mother can tell him that information herself. Try to think of a scenario where you would relinquish a child (or be relinquished by a parent) and think about whether you would like that story shared among strangers.
Race & Identity Issues
I’m reminded of this because I shared an article in regards to it on Facebook the other day. I’m also currently reading The Dance of Identities about racial self-identity in Korean adoptees.
Back in the day, the leading thought was to assimilate Korean adoptees into white families without acknowledging their race, or being colorblind. This is no longer the case, as it was found to be damaging to a lot of adoptees who struggled with accepting their racial identity. This is a delicate and complicated issue. Many Korean adoptees feel American and have no issue with being a Korean-American raised by white parents. Other Korean adoptees feel the struggle to feel “Korean” without having any authentic Korean ties to the culture or language.
As a family who chose to adopt from the Korean program, we cannot be blind to the fact that our son is Korean-American. Our family is now partly Korean. My husband and I are not Korean. But we embrace the culture and the language as a means to help ***** bond with his race and culture. I am taking Korean lessons, because I have read that language is the largest barrier for adoptees hoping to return to Korea. We plan on advocating for culture camp and classes, language instruction, Korean celebrations, and Korean tv/music/film/sports. It’s important for him to see Korean figures as role models, whether they are doctors, models, athletes, etc. They are called “racial mirrors” and it helps form a positive racial identity. As a very white person, these are issues that I was completely blind to until we started this process (I mean, the history books in school were just filled with white people as role models. But do you recall learning about any prominent, positive Asian people as a young person?). Luckily, we adoptive parents have benefited from the stories of other adoptees of color who were raised by white parents to learn how to make the experience healthier for ****** and his identity.
This is not to say that this will eliminate the issue. But our goal is to be mindful of it and be proactive where we can. If he wants to return to Korea, either to do a family search or for other reasons, we want him equipped to do so.
Essentially, being an adoptive family means that our family needs to change to be inclusive of our Korean-American son, and not vice versa.
Here’s some more resources for those who want to read more:
8 Things Adoptive Parents Should Never, Ever Do
The Significance of Racial Identity
6 Easy Ways to Create Attachment
The Cocooning Stage
The Language of Adoption"
Korean Adoption [EXPLAINED]
As you've heard me discuss before, adoption blogs, especially those of the Korean variety, are incredibly addicting. Reading these blogs are probably one of my favorite past times. One of my favorite blogs to read has been Foote In Seoul. Ahh, talk about amazing. [Faith, if you are reading this, thank you for your blog, hilarious sense of humor, and Korean adoption knowledge.]
She wrote an amazing blog post explaining the process in a way that I sure as heck couldn't. --Once again, thanks, Faith.
With her permission I have included parts of her blog post to help you guys further understand the adoption process and what's next for us.
Adoption Process
"There are two different tracks in terms of the adoption process: the U.S. side and the Korean side. On the U.S. side, most of our work was done upfront, such as the grueling home study and submission to be matched with the Korean agency. Once we were matched, we had to formalize some documents to be sent to Korea and submitted for an immigration permit to become a U.S. citizen when he lands on U.S. soil (the Certificate of Citizenship will be mailed to us about six months after he arrives).
On the Korean side, it’s a lot more complicated because the adoption follows the laws of Korea, and specifically the Special Adoption Law that went into effect in August 2012. To get a better sense of the legal requirements, I read the law, but it is incredibly vague. Most of the information I’ve gathered has been interpretations by Family Court judges and Korean agencies since the law went into effect, which was graciously explained by the non-profit organization MPAK (Mission to Promote Adoption in Korea). This is my understanding based on reading all that information:
In Korea, the mother has to wait seven days after birth before she can relinquish the child. At the time of relinquishment, she signs documents granting permission for the child to be adopted overseas, and sets forth if and how she’d like to be contacted upon the approval by the Court. The child is then placed with a foster family, and the agency makes efforts to have the child adopted in Korea. If the child has not been adopted within the first five months in Korea, then the child can be placed for inter country adoption. Presumably, the agency goes through the home study packets of prospective parents and matches the parent to a child who would be a good fit, based on temperament and similarity to the parents.
Once the child is matched, and the prospective parents submit the acceptance paperwork, then the agency prepares to have the case file sent to the Ministry of Health for the child to receive an emigration permit to leave the country. These permits have a quota, and the ministry informs the agencies when they can submit for a permit. For every three children who are adopted domestically in Korea, two can receive a permit to be adopted inter country. This is called EP submission."
[We are now in the process of waiting for EP(exit permit) submission]
"From submission, it takes anywhere from 1-5 months for EP approval from the Ministry, averaging around 2-3 months...Once the EP is approved, then the case file is submitted to the Family Court in Seoul. The case is assigned to a Family Court judge, who reviews the paperwork, and may seek additional information. The mother will also be contacted to be notified of the pending adoption, during which time she can contest the adoption and choose to parent. If the mother cannot be found, or doesn’t wish to be found, she needs to be served by public notice, which means to have a legal ad run in a newspaper.
After that time, a court date is assigned and the prospective parents are given a court date. [Some people get get one to two months to plan for the first trip to Korea.] Others are given much quicker turnaround, like 2-3 weeks to travel.
Prior to court, the prospective parents meet the child twice and sign paperwork stating that they do wish to go forward with the adoption. Then you have court, which is an informal, uncontested hearing with a Family Court judge that lasts about 10 minutes. We were told that the judge really just wants to meet the family and put a face to the information he/she has read in the case file and wish us luck.
After court, the judge will issue a Preliminary Approval, and the Preliminary Approval must be served on the mother once again...Once it’s received, there is a two week period where the mother can again contact the court if she chooses to parent. Otherwise, after two weeks, there is an adoption order (Final Approval) and the prospective parents are then the legal parents. The only step left before leaving Korea is the visa interview with the U.S. Embassy in Seoul, where [our little guy] will receive his visa to fly into the U.S.
Following the return home, there is a year of follow up post-placement visits by the social worker who drafted the home study, the first beginning within the first two weeks of arrival. This is to ensure that everybody is adjusting well and that the parents have resources given to them that they might need to address any issues. These reports return back to Korea into the court file (I assume) and the agency file. The agency will keep a file at the post-placement department so parents can mail updates and presents to the foster family and/or the mother. This is a good avenue to convey a willingness to communicate directly with either the foster mother or mother directly with the family (such as through e-mail). The mother of the child can contact the agency to view the file at any time, and depending on whether she restricted the information or not, whether she viewed it can be relayed to the adoptive parents. The post-placement department would also be helpful in coordinating a search for parents in country when the child is older."
Yes, lots to take in.
Sources:
She wrote an amazing blog post explaining the process in a way that I sure as heck couldn't. --Once again, thanks, Faith.
With her permission I have included parts of her blog post to help you guys further understand the adoption process and what's next for us.
Adoption Process
"There are two different tracks in terms of the adoption process: the U.S. side and the Korean side. On the U.S. side, most of our work was done upfront, such as the grueling home study and submission to be matched with the Korean agency. Once we were matched, we had to formalize some documents to be sent to Korea and submitted for an immigration permit to become a U.S. citizen when he lands on U.S. soil (the Certificate of Citizenship will be mailed to us about six months after he arrives).
On the Korean side, it’s a lot more complicated because the adoption follows the laws of Korea, and specifically the Special Adoption Law that went into effect in August 2012. To get a better sense of the legal requirements, I read the law, but it is incredibly vague. Most of the information I’ve gathered has been interpretations by Family Court judges and Korean agencies since the law went into effect, which was graciously explained by the non-profit organization MPAK (Mission to Promote Adoption in Korea). This is my understanding based on reading all that information:
In Korea, the mother has to wait seven days after birth before she can relinquish the child. At the time of relinquishment, she signs documents granting permission for the child to be adopted overseas, and sets forth if and how she’d like to be contacted upon the approval by the Court. The child is then placed with a foster family, and the agency makes efforts to have the child adopted in Korea. If the child has not been adopted within the first five months in Korea, then the child can be placed for inter country adoption. Presumably, the agency goes through the home study packets of prospective parents and matches the parent to a child who would be a good fit, based on temperament and similarity to the parents.
Once the child is matched, and the prospective parents submit the acceptance paperwork, then the agency prepares to have the case file sent to the Ministry of Health for the child to receive an emigration permit to leave the country. These permits have a quota, and the ministry informs the agencies when they can submit for a permit. For every three children who are adopted domestically in Korea, two can receive a permit to be adopted inter country. This is called EP submission."
[We are now in the process of waiting for EP(exit permit) submission]
"From submission, it takes anywhere from 1-5 months for EP approval from the Ministry, averaging around 2-3 months...Once the EP is approved, then the case file is submitted to the Family Court in Seoul. The case is assigned to a Family Court judge, who reviews the paperwork, and may seek additional information. The mother will also be contacted to be notified of the pending adoption, during which time she can contest the adoption and choose to parent. If the mother cannot be found, or doesn’t wish to be found, she needs to be served by public notice, which means to have a legal ad run in a newspaper.
After that time, a court date is assigned and the prospective parents are given a court date. [Some people get get one to two months to plan for the first trip to Korea.] Others are given much quicker turnaround, like 2-3 weeks to travel.
Prior to court, the prospective parents meet the child twice and sign paperwork stating that they do wish to go forward with the adoption. Then you have court, which is an informal, uncontested hearing with a Family Court judge that lasts about 10 minutes. We were told that the judge really just wants to meet the family and put a face to the information he/she has read in the case file and wish us luck.
After court, the judge will issue a Preliminary Approval, and the Preliminary Approval must be served on the mother once again...Once it’s received, there is a two week period where the mother can again contact the court if she chooses to parent. Otherwise, after two weeks, there is an adoption order (Final Approval) and the prospective parents are then the legal parents. The only step left before leaving Korea is the visa interview with the U.S. Embassy in Seoul, where [our little guy] will receive his visa to fly into the U.S.
Following the return home, there is a year of follow up post-placement visits by the social worker who drafted the home study, the first beginning within the first two weeks of arrival. This is to ensure that everybody is adjusting well and that the parents have resources given to them that they might need to address any issues. These reports return back to Korea into the court file (I assume) and the agency file. The agency will keep a file at the post-placement department so parents can mail updates and presents to the foster family and/or the mother. This is a good avenue to convey a willingness to communicate directly with either the foster mother or mother directly with the family (such as through e-mail). The mother of the child can contact the agency to view the file at any time, and depending on whether she restricted the information or not, whether she viewed it can be relayed to the adoptive parents. The post-placement department would also be helpful in coordinating a search for parents in country when the child is older."
Yes, lots to take in.
Sources:
https://footeinseoulblog.wordpress.com/2016/03/09/extra-post-additional-adoption-info/#more-2043
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