Once again, I have decided to have another post that I borrow from the fabulous,
Foote in Seoul blog.
The following was written by the author of Foote in Seoul. I didn't write the following but I feel very strongly about the following topics. Many of these things were ideas and topics that I didn't know anything about before we began this adoption process. I've included several inserts with my opinions and thoughts in regards to our adoption.
[I have also blanked out the name of her child for their privacy.]
"Language Choices
Not to sound like the
P.C. Principal,
but using specific language is important in conveying respect during a
very traumatic and difficult situation... During the adoption
process I’ve done a lot of reading and research in regards to the
adoption triad (adoptive family/biological family/adoptee) to hear the
preferences of biological families or adoptees. (These are choices that
we’ve made for our family, feel free to disagree or use whatever
language you’d like for yours.)
Birth mother – You may have noticed I haven’t written that
in regards to *****’s biological mother. I’ve read that many adoptees
and families find the term offensive, as it gives the impression that
his mother was more of a surrogate or a vessel, without the complicated
feelings that come with relinquishing a child. I don’t think we’ve
settled on what we will call *****’s mother. I’ve heard Korean Mother,
Biological Mother, First Mother, Natural Mother as options. I think
we’re leaning towards Korean Mother as it shows the lifelong connection
he has to not only his mother, but also his race and culture. ******’s
lucky to have three mothers in his life: his Korean Mother, his Foster
Mother, and Me. We are choosing to be positive about additional women
(and men) in his life, and I don’t feel like calling her his mother is
at all demeaning to my role. Until the adoption is finalized, we are
calling him his mother or biological mother if clarification is needed.
Giving up for adoption – Again, we don’t use that, we use
the term relinquish instead. It’s the proper legal term and “giving up”
seems to marginalize the mother’s decision, especially since many
relinquish in light of very serious social and economic factors.
Korean name vs. American name – A lot of people have asked
me if we’ve been calling ****** his American name to his face, and the
answer to that is no. His Korean name is ________and we have been calling him __________, and probably will continue to do
so for several months after we return to ____________. He is going to
go through a very substantial transition (language, food, environment,
sounds, sights) that we don’t want to strip away the only name he’s
known during that time. We are keeping his Korean name as his middle
name, since it was the name that was chosen by his mother and we want to
maintain that tie to her. It’s also a really beautiful name, it means
wisdom & hero, both two very strong traits that we would love ******* to have. When the timing is right, we will eventually transition into
calling him ******. If he feels like he’d rather go by _______ in the
future, we welcome that as well.
[Insert from me: We too will be calling our little guy by his Korean name for the first little bit. We have decided that it will be his middle name. We hope that it is always cherished by him.]
Cocooning & Attachment
During our home study process, we had to take several classes on
attachment in adoption. Attachment is the trust and bond between a
parent and child, and it takes a while for a parent to attach to a child
as it does for a child to attach to a parent. Since we’re adults and we
have been given photos and information of ****** for the past 8 months,
we have a head start. He has been given photos of us and has heard our
voice while we have been waiting, but it’s obviously a lot more
confusing to him.
After the adoption takes place, the family should cocoon, or cut off
visitors, in order to start the attachment process. He needs to trust
us as his caregivers and learn to love us. Since ***** has attached to
his Foster Mother very strongly, he will be grieving for her. But the
good news is since he has attached to her, it’s very likely he will also
eventually attach to us.
Part of the attachment process is not introducing other figures as
caregivers and eliminating parent-shopping. For this reason, families
will not encourage other family members to hold or feed their child
during this process. Other parents may also view this style of parenting
as spoiling the child, as it focuses on meeting their needs head-on and
encouraging as much interaction as possible.
Here is
an article about attachment parenting. For example, some things we
won’t be doing is putting him timeout by himself or publicly shaming
him.
[Insert from me: We too will be doing a few weeks of strict cocooning. It's so important for him to become attached to us and to know that we are his forever mum and pops. We plan to keep things pretty low key for the first bit and gradually introduce new people.]
Sharing his backstory
As part of the referral, we are given certain information about *****' s parents and his relinquishment. As you can imagine, this
information is incredibly personal to him and we will be open about
those facts
to him when he is ready (and if he wants it). It’s
been said that adoptive parents should only share their part of the
story, and we have been trying to do that. Some people ask us why he was
relinquished, and I try to keep it incredibly vague as to protect his
history. There is also the additional point that we haven’t been given
the entire story as well and it’s possible that the story we were given
is misleading or incomplete. I hope someday his mother can tell him that
information herself. Try to think of a scenario where you would
relinquish a child (or be relinquished by a parent) and think about
whether you would like that story shared among strangers.
Race & Identity Issues
I’m reminded of this because I shared an article in regards to it on Facebook the other day. I’m also currently reading
The Dance of Identities about racial self-identity in Korean adoptees.
Back in the day, the leading thought was to assimilate Korean
adoptees into white families without acknowledging their race, or being
colorblind. This is no longer the case, as it was found to be damaging
to a lot of adoptees who struggled with accepting their racial identity.
This is a delicate and complicated issue. Many Korean adoptees feel
American and have no issue with being a Korean-American raised by white
parents. Other Korean adoptees feel the struggle to feel “Korean”
without having any authentic Korean ties to the culture or language.
As a family who chose to adopt from the Korean program, we cannot be
blind to the fact that our son is Korean-American. Our family is now
partly Korean. My husband and I are not Korean. But we embrace the
culture and the language as a means to help ***** bond with his race
and culture. I am taking Korean lessons, because I have read that
language is the largest barrier for adoptees hoping to return to Korea.
We plan on advocating for culture camp and classes, language
instruction, Korean celebrations, and Korean tv/music/film/sports. It’s
important for him to see Korean figures as role models, whether they are
doctors, models, athletes, etc. They are called “racial mirrors” and it
helps form a positive racial identity. As a
very white person,
these are issues that I was completely blind to until we started this
process (I mean, the history books in school were just
filled with
white people as role models. But do you recall learning about any
prominent, positive Asian people as a young person?). Luckily, we
adoptive parents have benefited from the stories of other adoptees of
color who were raised by white parents to learn how to make the
experience healthier for ****** and his identity.
This is not to say that this will eliminate the issue. But our goal
is to be mindful of it and be proactive where we can. If he wants to
return to Korea, either to do a family search or for other reasons, we
want him equipped to do so.
Essentially, being an adoptive family means that our family needs
to change to be inclusive of our Korean-American son, and not vice
versa.
Here’s some more resources for those who want to read more:
8 Things Adoptive Parents Should Never, Ever Do
The Significance of Racial Identity
6 Easy Ways to Create Attachment
The Cocooning Stage
The Language of Adoption"
